In 2012, my life was shattered when my husband Andrew was killed in a tragic accident. I was at home with our three young kids when I got the phone call that upended our lives. While grief was the road we were walking, we weren’t walking it alone. Our church and community became the hands and feet of Jesus to me and the kids.
My friend Angela stepped in to organize all the meals and gifts. She knew our community well, and she knew me well, which took a huge burden off my shoulders. Late one evening, she came over to the house to help me wrangle the kids and get them ready for bed. After they had been asleep for a bit, we came downstairs and sat next to each other on the hardwood floor in the kitchen, our backs leaning up against the kitchen island. I was angry Andrew was gone, that he wasn’t there to pray over the kids and give them butterfly kisses at bedtime. I couldn’t hold my emotions back any longer, and I let it all out: “Aaaaagghhhhhhhhhh!” I screamed so loud I could feel veins popping out on my head. My body heaved with sobs.
A meltdown of that magnitude would make most people run, but Angela stuck right by my side. She simply sat there and cried with me. I’m sure she didn’t know what to say. Who would? There were no words. Nothing she could have said in that moment would have helped. But the simple act of her being there meant so much to me.
We often feel a pull to help when someone in our community is suffering. Yet, sometimes we don’t know where to start. What should I do? What should I say? What if I intrude? Our primary call is not to have the right words, but to take compassionate action. It is about bearing one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2) and weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15).
How can your church community embody this kind of love? It starts with a willingness to do small things with great love. Here are practical ways your church can step up and in for those who are grieving.
How to Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus
As a ministry leader, you have the unique opportunity to mobilize your community for this sacred work. Don't wait for the next crisis. Prepare your people to be the church today so they are ready to step up and in for those who need it when they need it.
Consider rallying your women’s ministry or small groups around a care plan. It doesn’t need to be complex. It just needs to be intentional. God, our ultimate Comforter, "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). You are equipped to do this.
Meals and Nourishment
Providing food is one of the most immediate and helpful ways to show care.
- Organize a Meal Train: Use a free online tool to coordinate meals for the family. This prevents multiple deliveries on the same day and allows people to sign up for what is most convenient. Include notes about allergies, delivery times, and favorite foods.
- Stock the Kitchen: Go beyond a single casserole. A group can pitch in to stock their refrigerator and pantry with staples like milk, bread, eggs, fruit, and snacks for the kids.
- Provide "No-Think" Options: Gift cards for local restaurants that deliver or for services like DoorDash can be a lifeline on days when even heating up a meal feels overwhelming.
- Remember Nutrition: Dropping off a smoothie, a simple soup, or a bag of pre-cut vegetables can provide much-needed nutrition without the pressure of a heavy meal.
Household Relief
Lifting these burdens can create precious space for a person to grieve.
- Offer to Clean: Coordinate a few people to handle house cleaning. This could be a one-time deep clean or regular help with vacuuming, bathrooms, and laundry for the first few months.
- Manage the Yard: Simple tasks like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, or watering plants can become monumental. Arrange for a rotation of volunteers to cover this.
- Run Errands: Offer to pick up groceries, drop off prescriptions, or take care of other essential errands. A simple text like, "I'm heading to the store, what can I grab for you?" is easy and non-intrusive.
Financial Provision
The loss of a loved one can bring unexpected and immense financial strain. The church has a beautiful opportunity to reflect God’s provision.
- Take Up a Collection: With the family's permission, a designated fund can help cover immediate funeral costs and lost income.
- Give Gift Cards: Gas cards, grocery store cards, and general Visa gift cards provide flexibility and dignity, allowing the family to purchase what they need most.
- Pay a Bill: Anonymously or directly, a group could cover a utility bill, a car payment, or the cost of a child's activity for a month. This tangible act can alleviate significant stress.
- Offer Professional Services: Do you have accountants, financial planners, or lawyers in your church? They may be able to offer their services pro bono to help the family navigate complex paperwork and decisions.
Care for Kids
Children grieve, too, and their world has been turned upside down. Supporting the kids also supports the grieving parent.
- Provide "Normal": Offer to drive the kids to school, sports, or music lessons. Maintaining routines can provide a sense of stability.
- Create Fun Outlets: Plan a fun outing to the park, a movie, or a local arcade.
- Remember Their Grief: Encourage the children's ministry to send cards or a small care package. Acknowledge their loss directly in age-appropriate ways.
Presence and Prayer
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can offer is your quiet, steady presence.
- Sit in the Silence: Be willing to just be there. You don't need to have answers or offer platitudes. The ministry of presence communicates, "You are not alone in this."
- Listen More Than You Talk: Allow them to share memories, express anger, or cry without judgment. Grief is not a linear process; create a safe space for all its expressions.
- Give Permission to Laugh: Grief and joy can coexist. Share a funny story or watch a lighthearted movie. Remind your friend that it's okay to experience moments of happiness.
- Pray Specifically: Instead of saying "I'll pray for you," send a text with the actual prayer you are praying for them at that moment.
Sustaining Care Beyond the First Month
The initial wave of support is wonderful, but grief has a long tail. The phone calls and visits often fade just as the reality of the loss truly sets in.
- Mark Your Calendar: Set a reminder to check in at the one-month, three-month, and six-month marks. A simple "Thinking of you today" text can mean the world.
- Remember Key Dates: Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays are often incredibly difficult. Make a special effort to reach out, share a memory of their loved one, or drop off a coffee on these days.
- Continue Inviting: Keep inviting them to small group, to coffee, or for a walk. They may say no many times, but the continued invitation says, "We still see you. We haven't forgotten."
As a church community, you’ll never know when a tragedy might hit. Whether it be personal loss, environmental crisis, or individual circumstances beyond comprehension, having a plan in place is the first step in being best prepared to be the hands and feet of Jesus to your people. I know I could not have made it through my darkest days without the body of Christ, and I pray that you are encouraged and excited to make a way for your community to do the same for others who may find themselves in my shoes one day.
Courtney Pray Duke is an author and speaker who tragically lost her husband in a cycling accident in 2012. Left with three young children and a broken heart, Courtney now lives to tell about the goodness and faithfulness of God to the brokenhearted and is passionate about helping women encounter the hope and victory of Jesus. She is married to Jon and is a mother to her four children, Noah, Halle, Carson, and Asher. They reside in Atlanta, Georgia. And She Got Up is Courtney’s first book.
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