by Dr. Alison Cook
Perhaps you’ve seen these patterns showing up in your church, or even in yourself:
● perfectionism
● burnout
● chronic guilt
● emotional shutdown
● overfunctioning in ministry
● fear of vulnerability
In addition to being a therapist, I’m also trained as a psychologist of religion. My work has focused on how our experiences of God are shaped by our human relationships—how rejection, alienation, and wounding influence the way we connect (or struggle to connect) with the Divine.
Long before we form ideas about God, our bodies are learning what love feels like—whether it is safe, available, responsive, or fragile. Those early experiences settle first not in our thoughts, but in our nervous systems. And they shape how we come to experience God long before we ever have language for faith.
Trust is formed in the body long before belief takes shape in the mind.
When love has felt steady, you tend to internalize a sense of safety. When love has felt uncertain, inconsistent, or overwhelming, you learn to brace through either working harder for closeness or shutting down. And when love is something you mostly felt through caring for others, you come to believe that the only way to feel close is to give.
The problem is, most of us don’t realize these patterns. We move through life carrying assumptions about love that were formed long before we chose them.
Those assumptions shape how we relate to others, how we treat ourselves, and, often most subtly, how we reach for God. When connection feels elusive, we may work to earn God’s closeness. Or we may keep our distance. We might believe God is good, but if that goodness never reaches our lived experience—our emotions, our nervous system, our breath—our sense of connection might begin to fracture.
We interpret the distance as spiritual failure. Or we get angry with God. We fall back on our oldest survival strategies—strategies as ancient as the beginning of time itself. We hide in shame. Or we blame God for not showing up when we needed him most.
But what if the disconnection isn’t actually about God’s presence or absence?
What if it’s evidence of a part of your soul asking to be healed?
Churches often focus on our relationship to God and to others, which is crucial. But healthy churches are strengthened through spiritually and emotionally secure people. And security starts within.
In The Secure Soul, I want to equip you with a transformative framework for understanding how attachment wounds, inner narratives, and spiritual formation intersect. You’ll be able to lead your people from striving and disconnection into deeper trust, healing, and wholeness. You can get your copy of The Secure Soul today and download the free discussion guide to help your staff, small groups, or ministry teams start meaningful conversations around emotional and spiritual health.