by Bill Donahue
Whether in a small group, during a staff meeting or at a retreat, here are some simple, focused practices you can do together to build deeper community among staff, small group leaders, or teams that meet regularly for a various purposes.
You have an opportunity to simply have meetings or you can go further and build an authentic community with some focused practices, done overtime when you gather together, setting some time aside to include these.
1. Self-disclosure: to know and be known
Everyone wants to know and be known, in an authentic way. This, however, requires some vulnerability or self-disclosure. This is not always easy, but it’s important for a group to practice so that overtime members can get to know each other better in real kinds of ways.
You likely remember your first team meeting or group gathering, where some folks found it easy to open up and share and others found it difficult, to do this especially if there’s more than four or five people at the meeting or in the room. For a group to grow closer and more engaged overtime, you’ll have to gain skill at this practice.
Take a few moments to do the exercise below.
EXERCISE:
During your small group meeting, one member takes a risk and admits for the first time that they have struggled with their weight and with eating disorders for 2 years.
List some appropriate responses you might hear by members of the group or by individuals you know.
After sharing good comments, take some time to list some inappropriate responses. Discuss why these are inappropriate and what might be better.
Record what you think are good comments by others to remember for future situations.
2. Care-Giving: to love and be loved
Learning to receive and express love in a group is both an art and a skill. Learning to shape your words and receive loving words from others can sometimes be awkward.
Remember that love is a choice. We make a decision be loving; it’s not always an automatic response. Writer Gary Chapman has taught for years that there are “5 love languages.” These are discussed in the book and can be practices as you notice the behavior of each member over a series of meetings. Look on the list below.
• Words – some of us just need to hear the right words for the right situation, and we feel deeply loved
• Touch – a hug, handshake, a spousal kiss, or even a high-five that reminds they are loved and you notice them
• Gifts – some people feel a sense of bonding and thoughtfulness toward each other when gifts are exchanged or you surprise someone saying, “when I saw this book I thought of you, since you mentioned your interest in modern art”
• Acts of Service – helping with a simple chore or easing the burden of someone who is not skilled at a particular task. Someone needs help with their taxes and you have financial skills. You help clean up leaves around their home. Think of areas you have skills or just roll up your sleeves and offer help
• Time – For some, hearing “Hey you’re great. We should do lunch sometime!” is no substitute for time spent on a walk, over a meal, or with a cup of coffee
3. Humility: to serve and be served
A friend said, “it seems that everything worth really having flourishes most when it is given away.” By giving away our love and service and gifts and appreciation to one another in the community, we created an environment where we are eager to serve one another and serve beyond the group. Let’s unpack this a little bit.
First, we can certainly serve one another in the group/team. By starting with one another, it’s easy to see the impact of our serving one another with various challenges or needs in the circle. Like providing a meal when they’re sick or offering someone a ride to the airport and saving the cost of a ride service.
Second, we can serve folks outside the group. These can be family members, employees, classmates, or any people who cross our paths every week of our lives.
Finally, we can serve as a group. This may be harder because it’s difficult to align schedules and locations. But if you plan far enough ahead, you’ll find that you can schedule a group serving opportunity. It could be with a food pantry, or with a local ministry or volunteering at a school. Brainstorm for five minutes right now and list 5 or 6 ministries or people who need a helping hand. Use the chart below to get started.
Brainstorm:
Partnering with a few people and compile a list below ways that your small group has served or could serve together. This can include opportunities both inside and outside the walls off your church.
4. Affirmation: to celebrate and be celebrated
There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven.
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
Insights about Offering Affirmation
I have noticed how a person’s family celebrated the level of their participation in group celebrations. The level of self-disclosure, serving and caring in your group will impact the ability of your group to celebrate because they have come to know each other much more deeply through each of these other activities and practices. You can start small and begin to practice often.
You can go around the circle and share a word or a sentence of encouragement, making sure it’s authentic, and indicates that you are truly seeking to know this person or this group more deeply.
5. Truth-telling: to admonish and be admonished (or “truth-telling”)
Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. – Eph. 4:25
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. – Col. 3:15-16
Here is a list of some Guidelines for Truth-telling
• Practice Discernment among one another (Prov. 15:14). Notice when you have the opportunity to share a thought or an idea or a response. Speak gently but truthfully.
• Control your Emotions (Eph. 4:26,32). Emotions are powerful. They are often very helpful as we understand what’s happening inside us or between ourselves and another person. But they can also lead us out of control. We must be careful. But it is important they are expressed and not hidden or stuffed away somewhere. Because sooner or later they will bubble up to the surface and come out at the worst time.
• Give Grace (Col. 4:6). Grace… Especially combined with truth and discernment, and given some time to percolate, can be a very powerful tool for speaking and hearing truth.
• And finally, Listen Intently (Js. 1:19-20). We should be slow to speak and quick to listen. We know that we are members of one body and that we have been called to promote peace and an attitude of thanksgiving.
Reflection: Think of a relationship in which truth needs to be spoken. What needs to be said? When will you say it? Take a moment to reflect and pray for God’s wisdom and your courage to act in obedience to Scripture.
My workbook, How to Lead a Life-Changing Small Group, is designed to give you practical ideas and steps for shaping a Christ-honoring community. This includes growing your own leadership, handling conflict, designing transformational meetings and Bible studies, engaging in spiritual practices for personal and group growth, and keeping a grand vision of the kingdom of God, as we build up one another in faith and truth.